eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Not all heroes wear capes…
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”