Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on