ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
He’s dead
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
i’m gonna allow it
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.