ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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I think I’m gonna be sick
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
📽️movie date🎞️
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
A duv-egg? In this economy?
