ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles