Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

smh

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

hey, alexa

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’