Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

#SuperBowl

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes