Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.