Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
being a writer on Twitter:
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica