My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Anyone want a chair?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.