Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends