Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae