Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.