Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.