Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You Might Also Like
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
S M O L
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.