Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you