edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.