Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Cardio Made Easy

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.