Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the news I live for

I think I’ll stand

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

shit, they caught us—run!!!

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

synchronized noseblowing

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can’t go to college.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be