[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
podcasts
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.