Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we’re dead?

🧠

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.