Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”