Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.