Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.