Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
