Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

pelicons

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!