Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am