The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30