Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.