Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.