Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.