[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Strangers have the best candy.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring