[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
thank god the sign was there
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…