Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone