Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You Might Also Like
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster