Education is vital
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.