Education is vital
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
There’s no “u” in narcissist
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.