Education is vital
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.