Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

this is the kind of friend i am

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.