Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.