Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure