Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Printer ink is expensive

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex