edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
How about daylight saves us for once
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?