Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*