edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
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Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER