edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Lmao
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.