edward fingerhands
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How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
