edward fingerhands
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.