edward fingerhands
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.