Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps: