Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Poetry is my passion

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Lmaoo 😂

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience