Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You Might Also Like
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Carpe DM
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.