EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her