Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

where the womens at?

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”