Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION