Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

2022: I can fix it

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.