Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
making sure he doesnt get away
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Well, this certainly took a turn
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD