Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes