Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.