Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
If my kids invented a drink.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”