Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
quarantine day 3
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …