Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?