Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?