EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats


*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream


I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.


Day 1 of lockdown:
This is fine, I don’t need human contact anyway

Day 14 of lockdown:
I’m going to replace my arms with eight tentacles so I can hug more people when this is over


Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.


I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”


Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet


Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.


Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.


Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol