@TheToddWilliams

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

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@sreekyshooter

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

@GrantTanaka

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

@Eightinchgoat

I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.

@SlothSlouch

Day 1 of lockdown:
This is fine, I don’t need human contact anyway

Day 14 of lockdown:
I’m going to replace my arms with eight tentacles so I can hug more people when this is over

@Lisabug74

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

@emmyblotnick

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

@AristotlesNZ

Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet

@kimmer4667

Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@BeeeejEsq

Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol