@TheToddWilliams

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

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@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

@sonictyrant

[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@kwirkyKerri

I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.