EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
superman landing like a plane on his belly
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
