Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.