Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.