Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

💀

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters