Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Y’all ready for this
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Lol.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.