Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
learning about math 🧐 📝
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Sex so good you see dead people.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.