Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
This is a true ally.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds