Eeeekkk go for it 馃槀馃槀
You Might Also Like
me: im fine, everything鈥檚 fine
my search history: i beg to differ
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn鈥檛 find his phone like I didn鈥檛 just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I鈥檓 really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn鈥檛 count.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you