Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.