eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.