eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.