Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
my proudest tweet
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Cinematography is my passion
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it