Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.